I don’t want to lose the feelings I wrote down so I am putting them in here today, to save that day in my memory…
“It’s been almost two weeks since my Ottobot drowned. The guilt I feel over not being able to save him is hiding at the edge of my subconscious wanting to eat me alive. I have to keep it pushed back by brandishing a fire stick like townspeople would do to an ancient monster. I sometimes feel ok, even good sometimes, when I look or think about my girls. Right now Alyse is hollering in front of me in her silly way of talking and I love the sound of it. Elle asked this morning as I was getting her ready for school “what if I don’t have any friends to play with?” Oh it shattered my heart in a million pieces and at the same time as I was losing my ability to breathe I wanted to pick her up and make everything ok again. She has always had a best friend to do everything with and everytime I see or feel that aloneness in her I want to sweep her up in my arms and protect her fiercely. I am so scared to grieve I pretend like nothing is wrong and Otto isn’t dead he is just visiting with my extended family. Last night was our first daddy/daughter date and also the first time I was really alone without another adult near me. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t be alone in the stillness. I grabbed the baby and ran over to the adopted grandparents home next door to welcome them home from their winter trip. I have been working on my conscious mind, reassuring myself that decades ago families could lose four children or more to accidental death and those parents survived life and maybe even thrived. It was just a part of life then and still is in countries throughout the world, there is immense lose everywhere and I am just so cocooned in my world and THAT is what is making this such a life altering situation. But honestly, I talk to Otto in front of Elle and I see his picture everywhere but in my own self I can’t bare to think about him at all & that is where I live. In this parallel world, where my beautiful boy never existed and the pictures are like ones cut out of a magazine. All of these sweet and kind people telling me I am an inspiration and showering me with love and food somehow have me confused with someone else. I pray to my Jesus and hope that he will lead me back to my real world where nothing has changed and everything is going to be alright and blessed, just like it always has been.